Well, i recently posted a short story on yahoo answers to get feed back…it was brutal. :"( anyways i’m writing a novel and i wanted to know what you thought of my writing style. this isnt from my story i just made it up. an i apolgize for any words that i spelt wrong. spelling check kinda stops working after so many words. please dont kill me if my words are crappy in spelling. Thanks. btw this is a fantasy fiction paragraph.
The rain was pouring outside, making the sky a deep blotchy gray. soft crackling lightning pierced the sky every now and then for a few split seconds, making Daren jump a little every time it struck the inky sky. it had only been a week sense he had moved to the islands for a simple vacation, and almost the entire time it had been cursed with the water that infinitely fell from the sky. the first day he had arrived, the land was beautiful and lush with life.
Daren looked out from the porch where he was seated to see the trees swaying in the heavy rain and wind; the vast empty land padded down by water. "It’s not always like this." A voice from behind him chimed. Jill walked up beside him and folded her arms in front of her. "You usually see people golfing out there. and most of the tourists would be at the would be at the beach." She laughed to herself. "I guess you bring bad luck with you, uh?" Daren got up from his seat and stretched. "That’s real funny…because it’s true. Well we can do other things besides watching the rain, right?"
Jill’s eyes lifted and her mouth opened with enthusiasm. "Oh! Yeah sure. I’ll take you the my grand pappies store. its in the center of town, but that shouldn’t be a problem. Here, I’ll take you." Jill lived on these islands, so her knowledge was very useful to Daren. They had known each other in highschool back in America. When he had heard that she was moving out, he told himself that he would visit her once a year for his vacation.
Jill hovered the umbrella over the both of them as they quickly walked to the side shop. "Crazy rain, right?" A friendly stranger yelled out to them from under his rain coat. Daren opened the door for Jill as they entered into the shop.
The smell was amazing. Different smells of herbs, and sweet flowers drifted to Daren’s nose; he tried to stay focused on Jill even when his mind began to wonder away, off with the scents of the shop.
"Well hello!" An old voice boomed from the back of the antinque store. Jill waved quickly back at her excited grandfather with a huge grin on her face as she made her way twords him. Daren followed her and tried not to knock over anything; the place was literraly stuffed with odd objects.
"How are you, J?" Her grandfather embraced her warmly over the counter. "I’m good, Pappie! You know Daren? Right?" She gestured to her friend. Daren reached his hand out. "It’s a pleasure to meet. Your grand daughter is something else." He smiled at Jill, who was glaring at him playfully.
Jill and her grandfather began to talk about who-knew-what, which didn’t concern Daren in anyway, so he began to explore the treasures in the shop. An odd tea cup, a shipped up glass dog, an angel playing the harp. They were all odd in their own special way.
As he continued, he came upon a strange box. He picked up slowly, reasurring himself that it wouldn’t explode or desenegrate, and began to examine it carefully. A handle was latched to the side. he turned it round and round untill it stiffened and couldn’t be turned any longer. he let go.
The sound around the room came to an immediate hush; the constant chatter of Jill and her pappie, the always ticking clock, it all came to silence. The only sound came from the box. A simple, melancholy tune emitted from it slowly. it seemed to be a lullaby.
The room was still. The rain outside lay frozen and the clock’s hands stood still. A black hooded man stood in front of Daren, his face was covered by his hood. "You’ve finally awakened us…Daren." He lifted his hand, a stop watch lay in it ticking away unlike the clock that Pappie had hanging on his shop wall. "You have five hundred hours, Daren…"
The room flashed back to life. The once silent rain once again began to pour and a flash of enraged lighting tour up the sky. "Five hundred hours…?"
oh, and give your honest opinion. is it really boring? is it too descriptive? am i an amateur? thanks
yeah i knew that it was dull for the beginning. i think most things are. i dont know how i could make it more entertaining in the beginning. any suggestions?