Please critique my writing (be as harsh as you like)?
Aberdeen poured rain. A sheet of it skated down the windowpane. Loch Ness Hall was hidden away in darkness. The lace-edged window drapes swam lazily as air pushed itself under the shingles. In Loch Ness’s ghostly parlor, a girl lounged on the velvet suede couch, bundled in a fuzzy wool quilt. Her dark ruby hair bled together with the plum fabric of the armrest. Her name was Rosamund. Rosamund, with a pointed aristocrat face and a sculpted hourglass figure like a rose vase, was thirty-seven and still unnerved by Scotland’s rainstorms.
The storm swelled. Rosamund shivered. Rain battered the roof, washed against the glass in waves. Lightning flared and thunder crashed.
As she listened to that wind whine and wail like a lonely hound, breathed in the clean, cold scent, and let her sleepy eyes draw shut, she felt her mind coast. She thought of Glasgow. Of the haunted church she’d stayed at. She wasn’t quite sure why she thought of the Glasgow Churchyard, but she did. It came back to her as clear and obvious as if it were yesterday.
And then, just as quick, the fleeting memory ebbed and was gone. She was back in Aberdeen. Aberdeen, she mused, was nothing like Glasgow. Aberdeen was beautiful, green, and like a place one visited in one’s dreams…it had drowsy, quiet stagecoach drivers who’d nod and smile at you like it was their job…sweet-tempered townsfolk…sunset-colored clay shingles on the cottages that burned in summertime and gray marble porches that gave bare feet shivers…. And beauty. Aberdeen was gorgeous, stunning. Breathtaking.
Glasgow, on the other hand, felt cold to her, distant. It was that eerie, dismal city that haunted her at night, brought out her fear of the dark and gave her a reason to sleep with the curtains drawn. It was like nothing else in the world. That places evoked such dreary memories.
The grandfather clock chimed; the humming bells played on for an eternity, announcing the arrival of eleven o’clock. Rosamund started awake out of her wandering thoughts, hugging the blanket closer as more cold air pooled under the shuddery shingles into the parlor. Her teeth chattered and clacked in her head.
At least, she thought, I’m home. In Aberdeen….
Her eyes closed again. This time, she fell asleep.
***
The next morning, Rosamund decided to invite the neighbors for tea.
Tagged with: aristocrat • colored clay • dark ruby • fear of the dark • google • gray marble • hourglass figure • loch ness • porches • rose vase • script type • shingles • sleepy eyes • stagecoach • text javascript • velvet suede • wail • window drapes • windowpane • wool quilt
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I agree with the answerer above me – the sentences are all too choppy. It’s a good effect if you want to use it to emphasize a certain thing, but not the entire section.
Plus, it feels a little too formal – like I’m reading an essay. Take out the phrase "on the other hand."
I think you can also add an exclamation point – somewhere, since we can kind of see into Rosamund’s feelings. My favorite prose usually includes a few of those.
Also, you should rephrase a few things… like when you wrote "it had drowsy, quite stagecoach drivers who’d nod…" you shouldn’t write "it had." It makes me feel like I’m reading an essay.
Also, do you want to describe the church as "haunted" just yet? I think you should insinuate it, maybe later on in the piece. I just feel like when I read such a direct statement like that at the beginning of a piece that this was more of a … planning, or outline. LIke it wasn’t planned out or crafted well. It just doesn’t flow.
You may want to write more like this: sunset-colored clay shingles on the cottages that burned in summertime and gray marble porches that gave bare feet shivers…. And beauty. Aberdeen was gorgeous, stunning. Breathtaking. I think that’s one of the best lines because its descriptive, but it has a certain….feel to it, like its emotional.
And I think you should avoid doing this too much: Glasgow, on the other hand, felt cold to her, distant.
When you list adjectives without an "and" separating them, such as not including it before the word distant, works WELL in my opinion – but not when its done too often. It just takes away some of the force. (I was just using that line as an example, it sounds good as it is).
In fact, I would avoid using too many commas. It makes it all seem longer than what it really is and in the end – less involving, like you’re reading a list, not a story.
Aside from all of that….I really liked it!! It was interesting. I like that you have an older protagonist.
This is good. But….
You seem as if you’re trying to hard to make it really fancy and descriptive. Just go with to flow.
One criticism I have is that the sentences are far too short and snappy. Read this aloud to yourself and change it wher it sounds right