Please critique my writing (be as harsh as you like)?
Thursday, January 21st, 2010 at
12:54 am
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I agree with the answerer above me – the sentences are all too choppy. It’s a good effect if you want to use it to emphasize a certain thing, but not the entire section.
Plus, it feels a little too formal – like I’m reading an essay. Take out the phrase "on the other hand."
I think you can also add an exclamation point – somewhere, since we can kind of see into Rosamund’s feelings. My favorite prose usually includes a few of those.
Also, you should rephrase a few things… like when you wrote "it had drowsy, quite stagecoach drivers who’d nod…" you shouldn’t write "it had." It makes me feel like I’m reading an essay.
Also, do you want to describe the church as "haunted" just yet? I think you should insinuate it, maybe later on in the piece. I just feel like when I read such a direct statement like that at the beginning of a piece that this was more of a … planning, or outline. LIke it wasn’t planned out or crafted well. It just doesn’t flow.
You may want to write more like this: sunset-colored clay shingles on the cottages that burned in summertime and gray marble porches that gave bare feet shivers…. And beauty. Aberdeen was gorgeous, stunning. Breathtaking. I think that’s one of the best lines because its descriptive, but it has a certain….feel to it, like its emotional.
And I think you should avoid doing this too much: Glasgow, on the other hand, felt cold to her, distant.
When you list adjectives without an "and" separating them, such as not including it before the word distant, works WELL in my opinion – but not when its done too often. It just takes away some of the force. (I was just using that line as an example, it sounds good as it is).
In fact, I would avoid using too many commas. It makes it all seem longer than what it really is and in the end – less involving, like you’re reading a list, not a story.
Aside from all of that….I really liked it!! It was interesting. I like that you have an older protagonist.
This is good. But….
You seem as if you’re trying to hard to make it really fancy and descriptive. Just go with to flow.
One criticism I have is that the sentences are far too short and snappy. Read this aloud to yourself and change it wher it sounds right